Oi you leg it

Most of the time I seem to be writing about things that happen in the lower reaches of the body.  But truly I do have other thoughts. Anyway I had a couple of weeks off as feeling a bit under the weather. Finally got back on the bike yesterday and managed 8 miles in the best time I have done so far. So much for a decent rest. I was unable to cycle today mainly as a result of a skinful last night oops.

My blood test results came back and were down to 7.9 the lowest in three years. Dont you just love the optimism of the medical community though. Both Doctor and nurse said, Oh we should look at your treatment as results havent changed. Needless to say I showered them with my massive optimism and will continue the exercise regime. I WILL NOT GO ON INSULIN.

But back to the ride yesterday. There I was bombing along musing about stuff just like that well known Irish poet Phil O'Sofical when about three miles in disaster struck. Leggings, I started thinking about leggings. I am not a fan of leggings because people who dont suit them started wearing them.

Now I know how I got there. Whilst pulling on my luxury tight long johns prior to the ride I thought , they remind me of something. In passing I thought oh yes leggings (footless,calf stranglers etc) and then moved on. BUT the previous night on a trip to River Cottage in Plymouth we had gone to a blingy wine bar in Plymouth for an after lunch sherbet. when in walked a girl wearing an extremely tight pair of animal print leggings.

Now to say she had an arse normally only seen in villages on the banks of the Zambezi or in the pages of national Geographic would be an understatement. I could have parked my bike in at least three separate places on this chavy goddesses anatomy.  And thats the disaster. I am most definitely not a leggings man and I dont think they do the fairer sex any favours. Whats wrong with dressing to please the opposite sex or the same sex depending on persuasion. Dont tell me that girls dont drool over a George Clooney in dinner suit with tie undone and a tuft of steel grey hair popping out above the top button.  I decided then and there that I would declare myself as a skirt and dress man so there it is I am outed.

And now I am going to leg it and wrap up the wifelets £4.95 Arsenal watch that I got her for Christmas. Lucky girl although I will probably wrap it up in expensive packaging just so I can film the reaction when she opens it.

ps I dont mean it really. love the girl, love the leggings.....................................

Saucy Cycling Thoughts

I know you really all wanted to hear what a God thinks of as he pedals his lonely way through the cow poo strewn lanes. How do I know, well when I asked for a vote both my followers voted yes I should share my thoughts. I hope you have all seen the latest research which says men only think about sex every 53 minutes not every six minutes as previously thought. I knew that though as my 8.2 miles take about 54 minutes so I only ever think about sex once and then twice in every 53 bike rides! SO I hope you wont be disappointed with what I do think about.

Thought One.

Men and Women should only ever be allowed to have sex in January.

Its totally logical if you think about it. For a start it gives them (well the men anyway) something to look forward to after Xmas during those long days waiting for January pay day. But most importantly it means children will only be born in October/November thus ensuring that the spread of ages in the classroom does not disadvantage the offspring of parents who only ever have sex in October thus making them the youngest in the class by up to 10 months. Yes I really did spend one bike ride thinking about that.

Thought Two.

Why one earth do the Dartmouth Town Council think that a wandering steel band with tambourines and whistles is ever going to kick start the Christmas spirit during Candlelit dartmouth. Sounds more like a London Cyclists protest. Which reminds me, why do all cyclists behave like Nazis in London? Cant they see the colour red, dont they understand right of way? What happened to carols and mulled wine and Nat King Cole, "Fall on your knees, hear the angel voices, Oh night, Oh night divine"

Thought Three

I have been so inspired by The Choir, Military Wives that it got me thinking about whether I could combine the two. I am therefore starting a cycling choir. It will leave the farm at 945 on Xmas Morning after mulled wine and go to Blackpool Sands. Turn up and get the other half to pick you up there. We will carol along the main road then the lanes. What an idea, got to be a tv show in it.

So there it is just a few of the wierd, random thoughts I have while cycling.



The rest of the time I just think about sex

Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it in for me.

Following on from my post of the 12th which is really too painful to reprise I find myself finally realising that there is indeed a conspiracy against me. Not that I am paranoid or anything!! Two weeks ago I ordered the bike rack. They told me it would be ready by the Wednesday. I popped in on the Thursday to collect only for a sheepish owner to tell me it had not arrived. It was somewhere in the system and he was on it and a replacement was on the way and would be there by Friday. Naturally enough the estate agent like person (bullshitter) then confirmed on Friday it wasnt there. But he was going to build a smaller one and loan it to me. So off I toddled on the Saturday to get my loan. Long story but it didnt fit on the electrics and even though he said it would be ok all I could see was a raft of tickets so I politely told him no. Next, wait for it, he told me he was in the SAS. Yes seriously I mean it, this bike shop owner would have me believe he was a member of that elite group!! I mentioned I was an ex military man myself and he hurriedly changed his story to territorial SAS. Bizarre.

Anyway Walter Mitty went back in with a stinging rebuke ringing in his ears. Get my rack by Tuesday or you will be SAS, sod all sales to me.

Anyway to cut a long story shortI finally got it yesterday, two weeks after ordering it.

I cycled to Torcross today and was passed by some odd lady driving the popemobile. You know the type of vehicle I mean. Its a van with big windows. Anyway she was coming towards me, slowed, stopped and then as I passed she shook her head. What was all that about? If you are out there please contact me as I am genuinely intrigued.

Damn it was windy today and a hard cycle across Slapton line. Fortunately I was wearing my new long johns which are infinitely superior to boxers!!

OMG Hold that thought! Interactive Blogging

You all know about E-petitions right? Well I thought an e-blog-petition was a good idea.

So here goes.

Discussing today with a close friend I mentioned that I would really like to blog about the thoughts that cascade through my brain whilst cycling. You know how some people can form that perfect O with their mouths? Thats exactly what close friend did! Naturally she assumed that as I am a man then I must think about sex every six minutes so therefore in my 54 minute trip I would have at least 9 lewd thoughts and therefore that is all I am likely to talk about. I explained that I covered everything from inventions to the meaning of life through to why my thighs quivered on a downhill bit. Sex rarely entered the equation ( ok no more than once  every couple of minutes anyway). So I resolved to ask if you wanted to hear my innermost thoughts. Its a simple vote, Yes or No and once results are in I will decide what I want to do!!

Any poo smelling farmers( (did you know it is legal in this country to spread human poo on fields?) who vote will not be counted. Over to you. Isnt life grand in a democracy?

My new cycle rack hasnt arrived yet!

8.2 miles this morning :)  9.7 chocolate biccies this evening :(

Damn I owe an apology

Apparenlty I mentioned an ageing air stewardess in blogs past.

I apologise. She is young looking and getting younger, and doesnt use Botox or anything like it etc etc

Hope that works!!

Night all, still can't believe it

I can't believe I just did that

I can't believe the situation I find myself in twenty four hours after the torrid tale of my puncture. Here's how I got here.

After a very small glass of Browns' finest fizz last night I had a relatively early night.

So I got up at six thirty this morning and an hour later was whizzing my way down the A38 towards Plymouth for my 8am appointment to get a new tyre fitted. Travelling at thirty on my doughnut tyre for any distance is excruciatingly boring but gave me a chance to catch up with emails etc!!!

I arrived at the tyre joint at 8.07 and about six of the tyre monkeys are standing round drinking tea. They look at me as if I am Dr Livingstone. Park in a bay mate says one. Why says I as I have an 8 am appointment. We'll get to you shortly he says. Anyway I parked up and they finished their tea. Then drove two cars (not mine) in and stood looking at them. The cry then went up, Kev , Andy breakfast is here and a mass exodus from the shop floor began. These huge doorsteps were handed out all round and they all started eating. Don't they bloody well eat  before they get to work? Do they even know what productivity means. Does the owner realise he is paying about six man hours every morning for them to eat bacon sandwiches and look down noses at customers. Don't they know I am in a fucking rush as I have a fight with Volvo to get to?

Anyway eventually my tyre was fitted. I turned down the free alignment as I couldn't face the thought of watching the ketchup dribble down Kev and Andy's and the others chins as they ate lunch.

I got to Exeter via a double sausage and egg McMuffin. Well to hell with the diet and diabetes. I have had a crap 24 hours. I don't think the bun started life growing in a field and they definitely serve the cheese with the plastic still on. Oh my,  those orgasmic sausage patties oozing flavoursome grease. Whats not to love.

Got to Volvo Exeter ready for a fight and they were as good as gold. Agreed with the bike rack problems and gave me a full refund there and then. I felt slightly cheated but drove off looking for Halfords. None to be seen. Went to a couple of cycle shops couldn't see exactly what I wanted so came home.

Went for an 8 mile ride, accompanied by wife (I think she wants her own blog!!), showered checked on line for bike racks and then set off again to search for the replacement. Another couple of bike shops and it was becoming obvious that the one I had and returned to Volvo was closest to what I wanted!!!!

I have ordered and paid a deposit on the same bike rack except not Volvo branded and at a cost of £35 more than my refund. I was too embarrassed just to go back to them and change my mind. I have no doubt I will be taking this rack back to the shop I am purchasing from as no doubt it will have the same problems as the last.

So my situation to get to the point. I have exactly the same bike rack on order that I owned yesterday except I have driven over 100 miles, paid a fortune for a tyre replacement, got covered in shit and spent more money for the same thing. What a complete load of utter utter bollocks as they say.

Tonight I am out to dinner at the house of friends who never stop pouring the wine. I shall not be turning any of it down with the excuse that I am still trying to drown my double sausage and egg McMuffin

Oh woe is me

Bloody bloody Volvo

So I am really Mr Sensible. I know you may be a little surprised but I quite often do the smart and right thing. So when I needed a bike carrier for the Volvo XC70 AWD 2.5 SE Auto (as Congestion charging for London call it) then I naturally went to Volvo Exeter to buy. £370 later I had a bike rack made by Thule, supposedly the best on the market. I took it back once as the straps for the tyres didn't work well, cheap plastic rubbish. Foolishly I accepted an exchange.

Today I went in the rain carrying three bikes to get them in for service at Hot Pursuit in Totnes. Got there and the bloody, bleeding, cheap, rubbish,crap, plastic, rip off aaaaarrrrrgh wouldn't undo. So I stood in the rain for twenty minutes before it finally came undone. Mad by then' as one is I set off for Exeter to visit Kastner Volvo and choose a window to throw the bike rack through.

Just outside Ashburton on the A38 at 90ish miles an hour I felt a slight juddering. Thinking that the earth had finally moved for me as a result of something that had happened many years ago I carried happily on.....

for about three feet when the tail started to swing a little. At first I thought the rack was trying to escape but soon (a millisecond) I realised it was a puncture. Displaying inordinate skill I pulled over and was fortunate enough to be able to turn off immediately up a narrow lane. I stopped, confirmed it was a puncture and then looked for a tyre changing spot. Found a farmers gate and commenced action. By this time it was absolutely pissing down and the run off from the fields was flooding my trainers. I eventually got the useless and difficult to turn jack out, lay down in the lane and looked for the jacking off point. That's when the smell hit me. The bastard lazy farmer had spread shit all over the lane as well as the field and the rain had turned it into a glutinous mess which attached itself to my front as I lay prostate and prostrate in the stinking lane. Eventually it was all jacked up, the large heavy tyre was off and I went to get the spare out, thinking of shower and then drinks.

Those bloody Swedish meatballs, why do they flipping well do it? A feckin doughnut not a real tyre with a max speed of 50kms. I kicked things, which only served to aggravate the toe ruined by a crap orthopaedic surgeon (another story), cursed and cried but eventually got the Krispy Kreme reject on. Stinking of bull shit (literally) I got back in car, removed a few layers and drove back to Totnes to get a new tyre. If you were the five lorry drivers behind me in the spray on the A38 between Ashburton and the Totnes turn, you can all fuck off, you Yorkie scoffing , horn blowing low life gits. Its not my fault I was going at 30mph it was Thule's.

The garage in Totnes had no tyres but they were damned good and phoned around until they found one for me and so now I shall be driving to Plymouth at 7am to get one but goddammit i am resuming my journey to Exeter after that.

Look out Volvo

Oh yes I forgot to mention. I left on Monday for London, then Wednesday to Rochdale, Thursday to South Wales and home today. About 800 miles in total.  I just wanted a relaxing bit of exercise. So just who the hell has got it in for me and why?

Forgot

Yes I went on a bike maintenance course with big brother in Totnes, the centre of hippy lovelydom the other day.

After five minutes i thought sod this I can earn more in the time I would spend doing this than it would cost. I had been changing a tyre and practising a puncture. But I stuck with it. Short of it is I know how to fix a puncture. I am a dan hand with tyre levers and at a push I could change a brake cable but only if its not disc brakes as I have (Posh you see).

Then we moved on to gears and by 1230 by gears were completely fucked. Part me part the instructor, part big brother.

BUT I learnt that I need to nblow my tyres up. Went to the local cycling shop on Saturday, they fixed my gears in 20 mins. So I learnt......

Never do it yourself if an expert is nearby

Return of the Prodigal

I've been away for a while. It was that bloody flu jab, laid me out for a couple of weeks then an abortive trip to france to look at houses which just resulted in us agreeing to disagree.

Anyway I have been cycling on and off, more on than off and managing about 35 miles a week. many have said that I look thinner but they are only saying it to make themselves feel better. My gut just wont bloody shift although brother says it is only a matter of time. Anyone watching Frozen Planet? I am hoping it is going to be like the ice melt in that. Blocked up for ages then suddenly the dam breaks and here we go.

All that wind stuff seems to have gone away so I have to confess that maybe it just was the curry and beer from the night before! Sorry about that but it seemed logical at the time.

I did thirteen miles today. Just going past the Mounts on the Kingsbridge road at about 10 miles an hour and yet again I was passed by skinny gits on  road bikes. Again I shouted Oi thanks for that guys, making me look slow (was truly hurting inside). ANYWAY.. I turned onto 5 mile lane that leads to Slapton and is downhill for the first half mile or so. I got up to about 25 and suddenly I could see them, maybe 500 yards away. So I got in the position, clicked on to 3/7 and suddenly I was catching the skinny, fit, smug, supercilious, allinonesuitwearing,bastards. So I gave it what for in that gear and just got withing sniffing distance of the last riders saddle(about 20 yards) when....disaster.

The bloody road started going up. From a ten yard gap they started pulling away. That was it,  I was shot, buggered, knackered, tired, screwed, shagged, wasted, and that word that begins with f......calm down I meant finished. Took me nearly three miles to get back in the groove.

I didnt see them again until I hit Slapton line and they were coming past me going towards Dartmouth. By then they had already been to Torcross and back. Oh well!!

Anyway the point of the story. Its about ten miles from us to Torcross. Today I did my best time, averaging more than ten miles an hour. So was pretty pleased with myself to be honest.

Blood Pressure is down so have to be careful with tablets. Bloody brilliant how little medication you need as you get fitter.

Off travelling this week, London on Mon, Tue, Wed then Rochdale Wed night, Cardiff Thu night then back for a cycle on Friday.

Keep well and thanks for reading

Hallelujah, Hallelujah. I have a follower.

Will, the fiver is on the way you handsome, clever, entertaining, quick witted, future cycling God without wind you. Love you. Oliver, the same could apply to you mate!!!

Oh my sainted BUTT!!

I always thought cyclists are like IT people, nerdy, miserable and incapable of smiling.

AND now I know why. After yesterday I was fired up and the amazing Oliver surprisingly agreed to cycle with me to Kingsbridge and then on to Torcross in what turned out to be a 15 mile trip. But today I realised why these long distance guys always look so pained.  Not only that but they have a secret world of creams and treatments and who can now blame them for taking any chemical help. Here's the beautiful truth (as Alan Carr the stop smoking guy said constantly), they dont smile and  they constantly look pained BECAUSE cycling gives you wind!!! And not just ladylike, gentle, quiet non noxious stuff but rip roaring, explosive, underwear tearing, ring burning, foul, uncomfortable, stomach churning, thunderous, hurricane level gales.

So they are not a sad bunch, they just fart a lot and are constantly embarrassed by it so be more forgiving in future. It doesnt help with the speed either sadly. Oh well. I think my journey to be "one of them" has moved on apace today as I truly understand their pain, I am getting to be "one of them" and I had appaling wind on the A 379 (probably best to avoid for a week or so).

If I wasnt a cyclist I would be on Strictly Come Dancing by choice. As an extremely rude elderly BA air stew said yesterday, what happened to my TV career? Well the answer was IT STALLED OK. But Strictly could revive it and with my new slinky figure I am sure I could beat Edwina Currie ( cant really believe even she fancied John Major).

Another great day and on a serious note the Doc said my blood pressure is down so the Beat Insulin challenge is going well so far. Its addictive to be honest and I just hope I can keep it up when its pissing down in November. Hope the wind has gone by then though!!

Nice  Tesco Chablis tonight Chateau de Ligny, tenner or so

Longest Trip so far

Picture the scene, I get to the top of a hill and suddenly here I am whooping, shouting and happy. Must be one of those seminal moments. The word is seminal isnt it or am I thinking of the W+++++ who tried to run me down on death alley otherwise known as 5 mile lane the "quiet" lane between here and Slapton. Or the 60+ plus chap who passed me on a racing bike just outside Moreleigh doing at least three times the speed I was , and I had just started!!!

Anyway I went from Home to the Start Bay Inn at Slapton where I foolishly resisted the urge to rehydrate with copious quantities of Otter and instead had sparkling mineral and Lime.

Then two pints and now a bottle of wine at home!!

Got a new rear mount bike carrier today so my horizons will broaden as I fearlessly seek more flat and downhill routes.

Seriously I am loving it!! Come with me you guys.

Getting Territorial

I went out this morning after two days "off" ie three pints and some wine on Friday night and taking daughter off to Uni yesterday. Missing her already even though she drives me potty.

Saw my breath for the first time today!! Got to get into my long LiDL spandex to match yellow true professional jacket

So panting up a hill this morning I passed a fellow cyclist. He looked the dogs, proper road bike, all the kit and knees that went exactly parallel to the ground as he cycled. You know the type, just back from winning the Tour De France.  I felt part of a community, excited, fit and  AN ATHLETE.

So I went to acknowledge him. Have you seen what motor cyclists do as they pass? They lift fingers in salute without letting go of handle bars. So thats what I did to my companion on the lonely road, my fellow ATHLETE, my compadre, my inspiration (and I his no doubt), my raison  d'etre.

The bastard totally ignored me and whooshed on by ( Did I say I passed him? Ok he was coming the other way)

So I gave him some boy racer hand gestures once his back was turned, felt much better and resolved to throw some oil in his path if I ever saw him on MY route again

8.2 miles today, 54 minutes, average speed about 9, not too bad

A close friend told me there were nine spelling mistakes in my first post. There will be a prize for anyone who can find more.

Please follow me so I can start looking to make it into a book. I mean it has got to be more interesting than Gordon Brown's Opus . When you think of the advance he got I have to be worth a bit of that.

Today I decided to chart my progress in the chase to live longer

So I have been cycloing now seriouslyt for about 3 months. i am up to between 6 and ten miles a day about 5 times a week. I have put on weight!!!

Today I got home from two days away working and several hundred miles. I decide a bike ride would be good.

Heres the story of the few hours that followed.

Went to bedroom to pull on spandex shorts, super expensive shirt that lets sweat out and stylish Lidl overshirt. Looked in mirror, gut hove into view first.

Got downstairs, where eldest son, darling daughter and wifelet waiting looking worried.
One, i forget which said, the mobile phone bill covering time we were away in US is in. How much says I. Three hours later one, I forget which owned up to 649 quid.

I took a deep breath and the heart attack just passed me by. I got on bike with Lidl glasses which make my bulgy eyes look like racing dogs bollocks and set off on my normal 4 mile circuit.

Just before turn round point the most horrible smell assaulted me. The local cheapskate farmer has clearly spread human excrement on his fields. gagged several times but valiantly carried on.

Told boy racer in red car to slow down, he leaned out of window and told me to fuck off. As he was going fast and obviously too much of a coward to stop I used hand gestures to expalin he was breaking the speed limit. He repeated my hand gestures so I assumed he understood and carried on cycling, happy I had made my point

Did the circuit twice by which time had realised it is only money (ok I threw up a few times). Got home, made family unpack my car and carry suitcase and stuff upstairs and told them I owned them for next few days. To be fair they did cough up cash for a share of the bill ( from the allowance I award them admittedly but better than nothing!!) They all tried being nice even telling me how athletic i looked in my Lidl top but I knew it was utter bullshit.

Got on old school website and took issue with a few people. Decided that a government epetition about Jerusalem instead of the awfully boring God  save the  queen was a good idea. Then decided a blog was a good idea so here we are.

I shall bore you lots more later