Today I decided to chart my progress in the chase to live longer

So I have been cycloing now seriouslyt for about 3 months. i am up to between 6 and ten miles a day about 5 times a week. I have put on weight!!!

Today I got home from two days away working and several hundred miles. I decide a bike ride would be good.

Heres the story of the few hours that followed.

Went to bedroom to pull on spandex shorts, super expensive shirt that lets sweat out and stylish Lidl overshirt. Looked in mirror, gut hove into view first.

Got downstairs, where eldest son, darling daughter and wifelet waiting looking worried.
One, i forget which said, the mobile phone bill covering time we were away in US is in. How much says I. Three hours later one, I forget which owned up to 649 quid.

I took a deep breath and the heart attack just passed me by. I got on bike with Lidl glasses which make my bulgy eyes look like racing dogs bollocks and set off on my normal 4 mile circuit.

Just before turn round point the most horrible smell assaulted me. The local cheapskate farmer has clearly spread human excrement on his fields. gagged several times but valiantly carried on.

Told boy racer in red car to slow down, he leaned out of window and told me to fuck off. As he was going fast and obviously too much of a coward to stop I used hand gestures to expalin he was breaking the speed limit. He repeated my hand gestures so I assumed he understood and carried on cycling, happy I had made my point

Did the circuit twice by which time had realised it is only money (ok I threw up a few times). Got home, made family unpack my car and carry suitcase and stuff upstairs and told them I owned them for next few days. To be fair they did cough up cash for a share of the bill ( from the allowance I award them admittedly but better than nothing!!) They all tried being nice even telling me how athletic i looked in my Lidl top but I knew it was utter bullshit.

Got on old school website and took issue with a few people. Decided that a government epetition about Jerusalem instead of the awfully boring God  save the  queen was a good idea. Then decided a blog was a good idea so here we are.

I shall bore you lots more later