Back in the saddle again

Actually I have been for a while, just haven't written anything about it. I bought an exercise bike which has taken me through the winter. It's great watching TV while exercising instead of sucking up whatever the local guardian of the countryside has spread on the roads to cover up the black bags left lying around.
I had forgotten what it was like being out on the bike and I took to pondering this today.

Why is it that I have a well padded bottom, Sir Chris Hoy looks like he doesnt and yet mine is sore as anything after being out. Its bizarre. Does that mean that very thin mattresses like prison will be better, slatted sofas, no mattress comfortable.

Think about it , something out there isn't quite right. Answers on a postcard

 I will try to be a bit more regular so to speak on here but if not I blame it on you for not interacting with me.

Happy New Year Happy New Year, May we all have a vision now and then of the world where every neighbour is a fre eh eh end.

Can anyone remember that song? Damn I wrote that got distracted and now I cant either....sh1t. Oh ok got it, just had to look at the title to get back on track ( boom boom).  I think its from ABBA but a wonderful song anyway.

I am feeling massivley upbeat this year even though after sausages mash and beans alone on New Years Eve I did feel a little downbeat and teary. I think it was probably the wind that caused the tears but who knows why I was downbeat,

The point ( I promise I will get there) is that I was thinking about what this year should bring, what we want it to bring and what it probably will bring because they are three distinct things. It should bring peace harmony and a lottery win as I have invested so much. I want it to  bring buttocks that dont feel the pain of the rub anymore as I have been cycling for a while and I now despair of the ache.

But the beautiful truth as Alan Carr ( give up smoking guru, now dead of err .....lung cancer) always said is that will bring more war, stock market chaos and various papers talking the euro down, massivley aching buttocks again, and two numbers on a weekly basis. As Hugh Grant once said....Bugger.

Anyway truthfully I feel more positive this year than ever before. I have resolutions and yes they do involve food and drink but not all. They also involve cycles and going the extra mile.

Come with me dear reader and together we can be where we want to be at the end of 2012. ( Pub in East Acton)

More interaction please though.

Happy New Year

Oi you leg it

Most of the time I seem to be writing about things that happen in the lower reaches of the body.  But truly I do have other thoughts. Anyway I had a couple of weeks off as feeling a bit under the weather. Finally got back on the bike yesterday and managed 8 miles in the best time I have done so far. So much for a decent rest. I was unable to cycle today mainly as a result of a skinful last night oops.

My blood test results came back and were down to 7.9 the lowest in three years. Dont you just love the optimism of the medical community though. Both Doctor and nurse said, Oh we should look at your treatment as results havent changed. Needless to say I showered them with my massive optimism and will continue the exercise regime. I WILL NOT GO ON INSULIN.

But back to the ride yesterday. There I was bombing along musing about stuff just like that well known Irish poet Phil O'Sofical when about three miles in disaster struck. Leggings, I started thinking about leggings. I am not a fan of leggings because people who dont suit them started wearing them.

Now I know how I got there. Whilst pulling on my luxury tight long johns prior to the ride I thought , they remind me of something. In passing I thought oh yes leggings (footless,calf stranglers etc) and then moved on. BUT the previous night on a trip to River Cottage in Plymouth we had gone to a blingy wine bar in Plymouth for an after lunch sherbet. when in walked a girl wearing an extremely tight pair of animal print leggings.

Now to say she had an arse normally only seen in villages on the banks of the Zambezi or in the pages of national Geographic would be an understatement. I could have parked my bike in at least three separate places on this chavy goddesses anatomy.  And thats the disaster. I am most definitely not a leggings man and I dont think they do the fairer sex any favours. Whats wrong with dressing to please the opposite sex or the same sex depending on persuasion. Dont tell me that girls dont drool over a George Clooney in dinner suit with tie undone and a tuft of steel grey hair popping out above the top button.  I decided then and there that I would declare myself as a skirt and dress man so there it is I am outed.

And now I am going to leg it and wrap up the wifelets £4.95 Arsenal watch that I got her for Christmas. Lucky girl although I will probably wrap it up in expensive packaging just so I can film the reaction when she opens it.

ps I dont mean it really. love the girl, love the leggings.....................................

Saucy Cycling Thoughts

I know you really all wanted to hear what a God thinks of as he pedals his lonely way through the cow poo strewn lanes. How do I know, well when I asked for a vote both my followers voted yes I should share my thoughts. I hope you have all seen the latest research which says men only think about sex every 53 minutes not every six minutes as previously thought. I knew that though as my 8.2 miles take about 54 minutes so I only ever think about sex once and then twice in every 53 bike rides! SO I hope you wont be disappointed with what I do think about.

Thought One.

Men and Women should only ever be allowed to have sex in January.

Its totally logical if you think about it. For a start it gives them (well the men anyway) something to look forward to after Xmas during those long days waiting for January pay day. But most importantly it means children will only be born in October/November thus ensuring that the spread of ages in the classroom does not disadvantage the offspring of parents who only ever have sex in October thus making them the youngest in the class by up to 10 months. Yes I really did spend one bike ride thinking about that.

Thought Two.

Why one earth do the Dartmouth Town Council think that a wandering steel band with tambourines and whistles is ever going to kick start the Christmas spirit during Candlelit dartmouth. Sounds more like a London Cyclists protest. Which reminds me, why do all cyclists behave like Nazis in London? Cant they see the colour red, dont they understand right of way? What happened to carols and mulled wine and Nat King Cole, "Fall on your knees, hear the angel voices, Oh night, Oh night divine"

Thought Three

I have been so inspired by The Choir, Military Wives that it got me thinking about whether I could combine the two. I am therefore starting a cycling choir. It will leave the farm at 945 on Xmas Morning after mulled wine and go to Blackpool Sands. Turn up and get the other half to pick you up there. We will carol along the main road then the lanes. What an idea, got to be a tv show in it.

So there it is just a few of the wierd, random thoughts I have while cycling.



The rest of the time I just think about sex

Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it in for me.

Following on from my post of the 12th which is really too painful to reprise I find myself finally realising that there is indeed a conspiracy against me. Not that I am paranoid or anything!! Two weeks ago I ordered the bike rack. They told me it would be ready by the Wednesday. I popped in on the Thursday to collect only for a sheepish owner to tell me it had not arrived. It was somewhere in the system and he was on it and a replacement was on the way and would be there by Friday. Naturally enough the estate agent like person (bullshitter) then confirmed on Friday it wasnt there. But he was going to build a smaller one and loan it to me. So off I toddled on the Saturday to get my loan. Long story but it didnt fit on the electrics and even though he said it would be ok all I could see was a raft of tickets so I politely told him no. Next, wait for it, he told me he was in the SAS. Yes seriously I mean it, this bike shop owner would have me believe he was a member of that elite group!! I mentioned I was an ex military man myself and he hurriedly changed his story to territorial SAS. Bizarre.

Anyway Walter Mitty went back in with a stinging rebuke ringing in his ears. Get my rack by Tuesday or you will be SAS, sod all sales to me.

Anyway to cut a long story shortI finally got it yesterday, two weeks after ordering it.

I cycled to Torcross today and was passed by some odd lady driving the popemobile. You know the type of vehicle I mean. Its a van with big windows. Anyway she was coming towards me, slowed, stopped and then as I passed she shook her head. What was all that about? If you are out there please contact me as I am genuinely intrigued.

Damn it was windy today and a hard cycle across Slapton line. Fortunately I was wearing my new long johns which are infinitely superior to boxers!!

OMG Hold that thought! Interactive Blogging

You all know about E-petitions right? Well I thought an e-blog-petition was a good idea.

So here goes.

Discussing today with a close friend I mentioned that I would really like to blog about the thoughts that cascade through my brain whilst cycling. You know how some people can form that perfect O with their mouths? Thats exactly what close friend did! Naturally she assumed that as I am a man then I must think about sex every six minutes so therefore in my 54 minute trip I would have at least 9 lewd thoughts and therefore that is all I am likely to talk about. I explained that I covered everything from inventions to the meaning of life through to why my thighs quivered on a downhill bit. Sex rarely entered the equation ( ok no more than once  every couple of minutes anyway). So I resolved to ask if you wanted to hear my innermost thoughts. Its a simple vote, Yes or No and once results are in I will decide what I want to do!!

Any poo smelling farmers( (did you know it is legal in this country to spread human poo on fields?) who vote will not be counted. Over to you. Isnt life grand in a democracy?

My new cycle rack hasnt arrived yet!

8.2 miles this morning :)  9.7 chocolate biccies this evening :(

Damn I owe an apology

Apparenlty I mentioned an ageing air stewardess in blogs past.

I apologise. She is young looking and getting younger, and doesnt use Botox or anything like it etc etc

Hope that works!!

Night all, still can't believe it